I have started to slip away from humanity... I am being filled with a hatred that I don't quite understand. It feels familiar to me. I feel myself regressing into a much more volitile mindset. I never hurt myself in the past for attention. I only hurt myself because of the need to hurt others. Recently I have been having these "urges." I want to hurt someone badly. I want to make someone bleed and cry. I don't know what to do with myself. I am good at preventing these urges from manifesting. Why is it that I am plauged with such thoughts? I only want to help people. Yet, I am being driven by some internal impulse to hurt.
I feel so fucking betrayed. Fuck everyone who tells me I need to get over it. It isn't that easy for someone who doesn't even know where, or when it is. In the future I could be anything in the world. Unfortunately there are some things that just aren't as easy as people think. Through therapy they teach you methods of suppressing crazy thoughts, damaging thoughts, and depression. Once again I do not do well with these methods. Therapy only brought my anger to the surface. Allowed me to understand and cope with the unrelenting anger. For years I have done my best to suppress the rage in me.
I have many philosophies. I have many dreams. Unfortunately I am only human.and even though I am an amazing person, I have my flaws. My primary flaw is this rage. My secondary flaw is the inability to maintain happiness no matter the amount of drugs, help, therapy, whatever. My third flaw is self-sabotage. I feel like no one needs me or anything I have to offer. In my analysis of myself I have noticed a few things. All of the things I am angry about on a tangible level are things that I would otherwise be depressed about except for the fact that it is not rooted in a lack of self-worth but rather in a lack of worth for others. The world isn't to blame for what is going on here, there, and everywhere. It is the individual. People don't care about anything that doesn't concern themselves. People choose not to care about a person, issue, or event. I want to make the world a better place still. My problem is that the only solution that I am finding is ridding the world of the people who don't care.
How many people out there have been so outrageously pissed off that they couldn't see straight? Imagine living like that all the time. If you are not raging you are completely and utterly apathetic. People who know me may say that isn't you Andrew. You are kind, gentle, loving, whatever. The fact of the matter is I emulate most of the emotions that everyone feels. I don't understand the wide range of emotions that everyone has. I also don't view the world the way that most of you do. I have no concept of everyone's tangible time. To me it is just another day. Not tomorrow or yesterday or today. Just a day. The same day on repeat for 21 years. I don't have the memory to remember what I looked like, or where something was. I only remember events that elude to what a memory would be.For instance instead of knowing what color someones hair is I only remember if there was an event in which they were going to dye it. I don't remember in the literal sense of sensing it. I can't taste, smell, hear, feel, or see any of my memories. It is more like an imagining based off of facts that were presented to me after the fact.
I also am not prithe to an internal monologue it is as if while my body is interacting here on earth that I am off somewhere else. I can't consciously think about anything. I can't decide I am going to think something, or weigh the pro's and con's of something in my head. Honestly. I am suprised that I have made it this far in the world without seriously injuring or killing someone. I have lost track of what I was doing.
-Drew
P.S. These are the ramblings of my minds eye. I view things through very weird goggles and my perceptions at times may be scary. Please do not view me any differently than you did before. Welcome to my Dark Side.
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